What To Say
by Uchiha Mira
Summary: **REPOSTED** ChiChi's thoughts and fears the night before Goku returns for a day prior to the Buu saga.


Disclaimer: The only DB/Z/GT things I own are 7 action figures, videos (including the Trunks saga!! Woo hoo!!!!), stickers and a heck of a lot of pictures, so sueing me won't be too profitable, I'm afraid.  
  
A/N: This is my second time posting this fic. I assure you it is much better than the original posted copy. However, I still need feedback on this as this is my first attempt at analyzing Goku and ChiChi's relationship and I'm still more than a little unsure of it. Any type of feedback is welcome, I hope to expand this fic into several separate POV's of many of the characters before Goku comes back for a day prior to the Buu saga.  
  
  
  
  
  
What to Say  
  
The night was perfectly still. Stars poked through the inky blackness of the velvet sky, casting a faint silver glow despite the absence of the moon. Purple clouds drifted lazily across the heavens, causing patches of stars to fade momentarily from view. One light, not produced by the stars, shone bright and golden through a single open window.  
  
Son ChiChi sat at her dressing table, dark eyes glazed over in a combination of thought and fatigue. The night's washing up had taken longer than usual, and she had only just returned to her room. Once in the seclusion of her bedroom, she was free to concentrate on the thousands of thoughts and fears circulating within her subconscious. ChiChi massaged her temples in attempt to still the confusion in her mind.  
  
Son Goku would be coming home tomorrow. True, it was only for twenty-four hours, much of which would be taken up in the World Martial Arts Tournament, but still it awakened emotions ChiChi had not felt for over seven years. Emotions she no longer knew how to deal with.  
  
Over the duration of Goku's absence, he had never left ChiChi's mind. She had constantly thought of him, dreaming of his return, then scolding herself for wishing the impossible. Many nights had passed, ChiChi crying herself to sleep, only to be plagued further by Goku's face in her dreams. She had never stopped missing him, never stopped loving him; yet now when he was finally coming home, she was suddenly anxious, almost afraid.  
  
When Gohan had first told her of the news, ChiChi was overwhelmed by both joy and fear. She felt like a young schoolgirl, worrying about her looks, wondering about her hair, or what to wear when it came time to see him.... and most importantly, what to say? She wanted their reunion to be perfect, and so was swamped with doubts, fears, and questions.  
  
ChiChi reached up and removed the pink ribbon from her bun, letting her dark mass of hair tumble freely over her shoulders. She picked up her hairbrush off the dressing table and carefully began to pick out the tangles. ChiChi paused, playing with one of the strands between her pale fingers. A smile touched her lips, and her eyes once again held a faraway look that was always present when she thought of her husband.  
  
Goku had always loved her hair, insisting that she never cut it, that it was "too pretty to chop off." Many times he had fiddled with the dark raven locks, eyes sparkling with child-like innocence. Sometimes, when ChiChi removed the ribbon in the evening, Goku would ask hopefully if he could brush it himself. When she agreed, his face would light up with delight which never dimmed, no matter how many times the action was repeated.  
  
ChiChi would watch his face in the mirror, smiling at the look of intense concentration which would appear on his features. ChiChi closed her eyes, and she could almost feel Goku's gentle strokes as he smoothed the tangles from her hair, being extra careful not to hurt her. On several occasions, ChiChi had glimpsed Gohan's smiling face reflected in the mirror as he peered around the doorframe, though she never revealed him. Those quiet moments were too precious to ruin with scolding.  
  
Of course, their marriage hadn't all been butterflies and roses, to say the least. It had been for a while, but since the arrival of Goku's blood- brother, Radditz, everything had changed. Suddenly Goku was always gone for one reason or another; fighting, training....leaving ChiChi alone sometimes for months on end. She would stay at home, anger mounting with each passing day of his leaving, until it got to the point where ChiChi feared she would snap if Goku left again.  
  
ChiChi could remember the time Goku had left to challenge the jinzouningen Trunks had warned them about. ChiChi had feared for Goku's life, suffering from anxiety as she had never felt it before. Desperate to keep Goku with her and safe even a moment longer, she had prepared a lunch for him, offering it to him while fighting back tears and struggling to keep her voice from shaking. But Goku had dismissed the offer without a thought, insisting that he had to go immediately....and go he did, leaving ChiChi standing in the doorway with a cloth-wrapped picnic basket, tears in her eyes and sorrow wrenching her heart.  
  
Their partings had always been like this; ChiChi trying to keep Goku a moment longer, him leaving without a single word or gesture of affection. He would laugh and wave good-bye, his confidence in his abilities so strong that he never thought it necessary to show his feelings for her before he left. If he thought of them at all by that time. There were times that ChiChi doubted he felt anything for her at all past the regard he held for all of his other friends, it had been so long since he had shown otherwise. And what was worse, many times ChiChi would feel guilty for being angry at him; Goku was often so innocent and carefree, he was unaware of the pain he was inflicting on her each time he left in such an offhanded manner.  
  
However, the pain was always there nonetheless. With each departure, ChiChi would storm into the kitchen, masking her pain with a show of fury, breaking dishes and emotional dams. She would plan out exactly what she was going to say to Goku when he came back, tell him precisely how she felt about his actions. And then he'd come home, flash her one of those goofy, lopsided grins that only Goku could give, and her heart would melt all over again.... making it all the more difficult the next time he left.  
  
That was another thing that worried her. If ChiChi allowed herself to care too much for Goku again, wouldn't that only make his departure even more painful? She would be given one day for her heart to be content again, only to have it ripped from her a moment later. It was as if life was playing a cruel joke on her, giving her hope, then taking it away and laughing in her face. ChiChi was afraid that all Goku's visit would do would re-open old wounds, leaving them exposed and bleeding when he left again. Was twenty- four hours of joy worth a lifetime of pain?  
  
And yet, ChiChi yearned for those few hours when all would seem right again. During those rare tender moments she and Goku had shared over the years, him brushing her hair being one of them, when all her fears and bitterness seemed to dissolve, lost in the sheer bliss of the moment. She could forget all the anger which had been building up towards him, and ignore the weight of pain she knew Goku would unknowingly place on her weary shoulders the next time he left. ChiChi longed for those moments again, to be free from care even if it was only for a short period of time....though she knew the pain would be intensified when it was over.  
  
ChiChi opened her eyes, heart fluttering at the thought that this time tomorrow, they may very well doing the same, almost as if Goku had never left. Once again, however, her joy was short-lived, and fears and 'what- ifs' gained dominance of her mind.  
  
It would be wonderful beyond comprehension to see Goku again, but what if he had changed? Would he still be the Goku she had known and loved, despite the challenges of their marriage, after seven years away from home? What would so long an absence have done to him? There was no way of telling how he might have changed, and it frightened the normally strong-minded woman to think that her husband may no longer be the man he once was. What was she to say when he arrived?  
  
That was what worried her most. She ached to talk to him, to tell him how much she had missed him and longed for him over the years. ChiChi had yearned for the chance to talk to Goku again long before she ever received word of his coming home. But how could she talk to someone, love him as she did, after seven years? Even if Goku hadn't changed as she feared, the words would still be difficult. To talk with Goku again about anything, and to confide in him as she had once been able to, made ChiChi's breath catch in her throat. But after so many years, it was possible she wouldn't even know him anymore. How could she cope if her husband was a complete stranger? Bulma had always been the one comfortable about approaching strangers, not her.  
  
The more she dwelled on it, the less certain and more fearful of their reunion she became. Being apart from Goku for so many years would undoubtedly take its toll on their relationship, to say the least. Furthermore, it was not as if she and Goku had simply been separated. Goku had been dead; how could he possibly be the same as he once was? Facing death for the second time in his existence would surely have effected Goku in some way or another. It seemed impossible that he would remain unscarred and unhardened after facing what he had been forced to. ChiChi's mind reeled, thoughts spinning as her fears gained momentum until they completely controlled her brain. She closed her eyes, and as she did so, a scene began to unfold before her closed eyelids.  
  
  
  
The two of them sat together on the porch, gazing up at the night sky. At first glance, everything seemed at ease and how it should be. As she continued to watch, however, ChiChi could almost see the awkwardness as if it had a shape of its own. They sat on opposite sides of the large porch swing, no attempt being made to fill the gap between them. A silence filled the air, so thick it was nearly stifling.  
  
Goku's head was turned away from her, eyes distant and cold. The dream ChiChi gnawed on her bottom lip, visibly wracking her brains for something to say or do that would break the formidable silence. All she managed to do, however, was frown and study her hands as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. Several agonizing moments passed, until finally Goku stood. Hope glimmered in ChiChi's eyes for a moment, then abruptly died.  
  
"Well, I'm going to bed. Thanks for supper, ChiChi." Goku's voice was flat, and he did not bring his gaze to meet hers. ChiChi wanted to scream at the version of herself sitting silently on the porch, to tell her to say something, anything to break the awkwardness and make things right again. But the silence continued, creating an almost ominous atmosphere, and the scene continued to play out before her unaltered. Turning, Goku went into the house, not looking back even once, the screen door banging shut behind him. ChiChi, now alone, curled up on the swing and, resting her cheek on her knees, wept.  
  
  
  
ChiChi's eyes snapped open, and she touched her face gingerly, feeling hot tears on her cheek. But Goku couldn't have changed that much, could he? He had always been rather clueless in some situations in which a little affection would have been nice, but to blatantly shut her out? ChiChi shook her head violently and laughed bitterly at herself.  
  
"I should get to sleep earlier. My worrying is starting to get more than a little carried away."  
  
No matter how hard she tried to ignore them, though, the fears came creeping back. ChiChi clasped her hands in her lap, not realizing that her fingernails were beginning to cut into the backs of her hands. Though she doubted Goku could ever be as distant as he had been in the dream, or whatever it was, she still shivered at the remembrance of the heavy silence which had hung between them. ChiChi blew out her breath forcefully, turning to stare out the window.  
  
Night had completely settled in; even the horizon was a deep shade of ebony. The stars shone even brighter in contrast to the black sky, like beacons in the midst of a storm. ChiChi gazed at the stars, inwardly wondering if one of them was where Goku was, and whether he was thinking of her as she was of him.  
  
Apart from her sons, the stars had been one of her few sources of comfort over the years, their unwavering beauty being a constant reminder that they at least would always remain the same. Even in the daytime, the simple knowledge that, within a matter of hours, the stars would be back again, unchanged, consoled ChiChi in a strange way as nothing else could do. ChiChi stood up and walked to the window sill, eyes turned skyward. As she continued to gaze at the stars, resolution slowly crept over her fair features.  
  
In a way, the stars provided the answers to her fears in concern to the day ahead. Goku had been gone a long time - too long - it was true, but no matter how much either of them might have changed during his absence, he was still her Goku, and her love for him would not waver. It didn't matter what obstacles may come, fighting, fear, death... she would love him as long as there was a breath left in her body. That at least would remain unchanged.  
  
When the sun rose, she would have twenty-four hours to be with her Goku again, and was not about to waste those precious moments with fears and unseen barriers. No matter how much seven years had effected him, somewhere, Goku would still be Goku. Somehow, ChiChi knew that when the time came, she would know what to say.  
  
  
  
A/N: As I said before, any feedback will be greatly appreciated for this. To use my sister's quote, I'm still walking on eggshells when it comes to Goku and ChiChi's relationship, and that doubled with the fact that I've never written a ChiChi POV before made this fic more of a problem as to if I was developing it properly. Suggestions, ctiticisms and praise are all welcome, I won't consider constructive crticism as a flame. 


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